wow...it's been awhile...good times. good times.

i went to wisconsin. met dina's family. it's funny/awkward to step into someone's other life...im glad i went...i had fun. and now when she talks abou people and places...i may have met them, and possible have been there...and so i have stories too! and...i like to tell stories...i will tell you one now...

There was once a princess who liked to wear a lot of blues. Everything she owned was in different shades of blue. Until one day she discovered the color red. Now, when you have a favorite color and it's been your favorite for a long time, and you've invested a lot into this color- your walls, your bedding, your entire wardrobe...it's difficult to abandon this color and begin to form a relationship with the other. This princess decided to still love blue, but to also love red. And there were times where she loved red more than blue, and times where she was completely enamored with blue. The end.

I am not like everyone else. I am special. I am defiant, and I like it. I dream big and think that my dreams will become a reality...most days. I don't like to follow rules that I believe are unneccessary. I don't really like to follow rules that I believe are neccessary. I don't like to do what everyone else is doing. Large groups kind of make me crazy. I don't like to talk to people I don't know unless I feel I have something to give. I am scared of meeting new people sometimes. I have walls. I am different. I don't think everyone else is the same. But I think that I am special. That rules aren't for me. I have a purpose. I am above the law, because I'm definitely not under it. I have goals. I have visions. I want to see awesome things happen and going through proper channels takes to long. Doing what others do obviously doesn't work or else the world would be different.

So why is everyone always trying to et me to realize that I'm not special? That I have to be like everyone else? Why is the worl trying so damn hard to change me? I don't think it's a good idea. I want to be radical. I want to be ridiculous. I want to see results. I want to offend.

Not for the sake of offense of course. But I want to be unlike the others. Not that I'm lumping everyone else into one big pool sayinig you're all the same. Or that I'm riht and you're wrong. Because, really, I'm probably wrong. I know that with my attitude I will screw things up and make things that could be simple quite difficult. I'm in for a fight. I'm in for some trouble. But I want a revolution. I want to see change. I want to be a part of something great. I want to know I did my part. I refuse to be silenced.

I want to be more like Jesus, though. I don't want pride to be my motive. I want love and compassion to be why I walk the way I do. I want justice to be my aim.

Jesus, please make me more like you. Get me out of my way so I can run towards you and not do things to be ridiculous. I want to do what you've called me to do. please help me...

i have a new name. i decided that jaime is not me. and i want to cut off all that i was. or something like that.

so...my new name is...

xyamara (zee-uh-mar-uh) oshin boreegard

feel free to call me Zee, X, or...whatev...

I'm in Charlotte. It's super. I love it. Sort of...

But seriously- there is some jacked up crap that happens in the world and it makes me so freakin' angry. And i really need to learn how to deal with that. but it's so hard. and it's not an anger i can talk out or supress (because thats a bad idea) and it's just that stuff blows, really. life throws some crap at these kids here- and what are they supposed to do? yeah, we can tell them that the way they've been brought up isn't right, or it's not a good idea to do drugs and sleep around- but really...what will that do? they see us (well, not us because im no longer here) for a couple hours (tops) a day. but more like a week. and our lives are different. we're here because we choose to be not because this is what we were screwed into. now i know god has a plan, and i know that it should be okay, and that all i can do is pray...but i think im still learning what exactly prayer is. and its getting farther and farther away from sitting quietly and handing things to god, and turning into time on my face, sackcloth and ashes, yelling screaming, fighting, kicking...that whole mess. even some crying and begging. whatever it takes to see some action. (i know- god is moving, but i want him to know im serious. and satan to know im serious. i just want something to happen. i want no more pants with knees. i want them worn out. i want a dirty tear-streaked face. a broken heart. but to be full of joy. i want to be like jesus. thats all i want...)